Don's Dynamic Diary
Dear Diary:
What is a classy fan? Dictionary.com defines “classy fan” as a “there are no entries for classy fan.” What does this mean? My only deduction after literally minutes of reasoning is that a “classy fan” is so hard to find because they are so hard to define. After the last two weeks, though, this term has been used so loosely and been thrown about so prominently that I can’t help but think there is a true meaning to this expression. Is it a person who cheers for a team while chewing with his mouth closed at a party? Maybe it is a fan who, while golfing with other fans, always putts out when his opponent has a chance to win on the 18th green. Whatever a “classy fan” is, he/she was not sitting around me during last Saturday's UofL-UK showdown at Commonwealth Stadium.
First there was the Urban Meyer look-a-like who claimed to have dated John Schnatter’s wife before they were married. I believed him too. By the looks of his 15 year-old daughter I would have to assume that the woman who spawned her must have been quite the looker. Anyway, they each got pizza at halftime and didn’t offer anyone around them any of it. That was pretty rude, I thought. That’s typical UofL fans though; always getting pizza and not giving it to anyone else. We get it. Your stadium is named after a pizza place. Just share once in a while, jerks.
Then there was the fat woman who sat next to my brother. Granted, he drank 3 fifths of bourbon before/during the game, but he said she was a real butthead. Apparently, she was the fan who wouldn’t cheer until HER team scored. Seems pretty selfish to me. A “classy” fan probably would be cheering for both teams equally. You know, play no favorites.
Finally we have the loudmouth of the section. Everyone has one in every section at every single college football game in America. However, this year for us, our guy was Harold Ramis. I swear to God. He looked exactly like him. I always saw Ramis as a likeable fellow; boy was I wrong. Ramis, made famous for his role in the Colin Hanks classic Orange County, was the fan who constantly yelled and made snide, yet loud, remarks to his band of morons. What made matters worse was that as a rather portly man, Harold wore some very short shorts. This combination led to everyone in front of him (including me) subject to a plum sale in row 37. If you’re not picking up on this, let me help you. Since Ramis was a larger man, his shorts were riding straight up his butt hole. This, combined with his sitting-style of keeping his legs 5 feet apart, led to his balls hanging out for the world to see. It was gross. The best Ramis moment, however, was when Woodson completed another dagger into the hearts of Cards fans and the youngest of his three jabroni’s said, “man, he is goooood.” To which Ramis replied, “he only throws to his open receivers!” So, I guess he was right. Woodson sucked because he wouldn’t throw to receivers who were covered.
I just don’t know sometimes, diary. I’m now beginning to understand what the dictionary meant. I guess there really aren’t any entries for a “classy fan.” Maybe a rich person; they can do anything. Look at the government; they’re all rich and they’re the smartest people ever. *sigh…
The writer can be reached at don@thespottedbass.com.
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