The Spotted Bass -

Don's Dynamic Diary

Dear Diary:
“It’s because I’m Catholic….” So often this is the response given after the glaringly obvious, “you’re a Notre Dame fan?” question is posed. Never has this been a suitable answer, though, as being Catholic carries other responsibilities other than cheering for Notre Dame football that these “devout” members of the faith ignore. Oh, only football; as Catholics, you are not allowed to like their basketball team.

Everyone can think of five people they know who are like this; in doing so, you have thought of five fair-weather tools who have not made a peep this season. Before I am bombarded with emails saying “my dad went there” or “Ron Powlus was my cousin” or “Julius Jones used to be on my fantasy team,” realize that there is a minority of you who have rightful ties to the Irish. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to be a true ND and UK/UL fan, I’m just saying it’s stupid. It’s almost too convenient that when UK/UL sucks, “Notre Dame is my team anyway” is always being proclaimed. Not this year.

They thought Brenda Warner look-alike Jimmy Clausen was the answer. Turns out, he’d probably fair much better if he was a chick—or the junk-grabbing pretty boy they had last year. Big fat Mensa man certainly doesn’t have the answers; even though he claims to have been in the throws of depression while trying to figure this team out.

“Look, I can’t sleep. I get up for breakfast, and I can’t eat,” Weis said, drawing a chuckle from the media. “OK, I can eat.”

Charlie Weis appears to have run a bit short on luck, as he has failed to find a successful offensive formula all year. With his ideas running low, Weis decided to turn to ex-ND coach and current ESPN shouter Lou Holtz.

If for some reason you haven’t seen the Lou Holtz pep talks on ESPN lately, I’ll give you an idea of what happens. Lou dresses like a man afflicted with some terrible disease, wearing clothes two sizes too big and a hat suited for Shrek. His tie is loosened and hanging low around his neck and creates an image that the tie is actually pulling his decrepit a** to the ground. He usually begins his talk by screaming—absolutely screaming—empty clichés and meaningless quotes at the camera crew. What they did so wrong, I’ll never know. After yelling his 35-40 second diatribe, Lou’s bowels have lost all control and he has covered himself with feces. His face is beet red and urine has soaked through his trousers as he stares deep into the lens of the saliva-covered camera, which quickly changes to Mark May whose expression of horror fills the screen. After several minutes of gentle weeping, Lou regains his composure and returns to his post behind the desk, pants-less.

If you have seen his pep talks, disregard the paragraph above and draw your own conclusion. I truly cannot understand what was said in the meeting when the discussion of hiring a seventy year-old man occurred. Most likely, it was very short and the prospect of putting Bill Curry in that position frightened everyone to the point of hiring an equally crazy old man.

One last thing, he said “spitting image” one time and I don’t know how everyone on the set kept a straight face. They are truly talented.

The writer can be reached at don@thespottedbass.com.



Home > Don's Dynamic Diary Don's Dynamic Diary Dear Diary: “It’s because I’m Catholic….” So often this is the response given after the glaringly obvious, “you’re a Notre Dame fan?” question is posed. Never has this been a suitable answer, though, as being Catholic carries other responsibilities other than cheering for Notre Dame football that these “devout” members of the faith ignore. Oh, only football; as Catholics, you are not allowed to like their basketball team. Everyone can think of five people they know who are like this; in doing so, you have thought of five fair-weather tools who have not made a peep this season. Before I am bombarded with emails saying “my dad went there” or “Ron Powlus was my cousin” or “Julius Jones used to be on my fantasy team,” realize that there is a minority of you who have rightful ties to the Irish. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to be a true ND and UK/UL fan, I’m just saying it’s stupid. It’s almost too convenient that when UK/UL sucks, “Notre Dame is my team anyway” is always being proclaimed. Not this year. They thought Brenda Warner look-alike Jimmy Clausen was the answer. Turns out, he’d probably fair much better if he was a chick—or the junk-grabbing pretty boy they had last year. Big fat Mensa man certainly doesn’t have the answers; even though he claims to have been in the throws of depression while trying to figure this team out. “Look, I can’t sleep. I get up for breakfast, and I can’t eat,” Weis said, drawing a chuckle from the media. “OK, I can eat.” Charlie Weis appears to have run a bit short on luck, as he has failed to find a successful offensive formula all year. With his ideas running low, Weis decided to turn to ex-ND coach and current ESPN shouter Lou Holtz. If for some reason you haven’t seen the Lou Holtz pep talks on ESPN lately, I’ll give you an idea of what happens. Lou dresses like a man afflicted with some terrible disease, wearing clothes two sizes too big and a hat suited for Shrek. His tie is loosened and hanging low around his neck and creates an image that the tie is actually pulling his decrepit a** to the ground. He usually begins his talk by screaming—absolutely screaming—empty clichés and meaningless quotes at the camera crew. What they did so wrong, I’ll never know. After yelling his 35-40 second diatribe, Lou’s bowels have lost all control and he has covered himself with feces. His face is beet red and urine has soaked through his trousers as he stares deep into the lens of the saliva-covered camera, which quickly changes to Mark May whose expression of horror fills the screen. After several minutes of gentle weeping, Lou regains his composure and returns to his post behind the desk, pants-less. If you have seen his pep talks, disregard the paragraph above and draw your own conclusion. I truly cannot understand what was said in the meeting when the discussion of hiring a seventy year-old man occurred. Most likely, it was very short and the prospect of putting Bill Curry in that position frightened everyone to the point of hiring an equally crazy old man. One last thing, he said “spitting image” one time and I don’t know how everyone on the set kept a straight face. They are truly talented. The writer can be reached at don@thespottedbass.com. Don's archive Steve Spurrier is a true game cock What is a classy fan? The always intriguing NBA Draft left Kentuckiana's finest wondering "what if"

Don's Dynamic Diary

Don's archive