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Don's Dynamic Diary

Dear Diary:
Hide your daughters Cats fans, Herbstreit is coming to town.

Each week ESPN's College GameDay visits a campus to preview the day's biggest game, as well as giving analyst Kirk Herbstreit a chance to try and bed some coeds.

"I've never had the opportunity to come to Lexington and I'm very excited," a giddy Herbstreit said from his home on the fifty yard line of Ohio Stadium in Columbus Tuesday night. "I've really heard great things about this campus' ladies. They've sucked in football for so long I figured I'd never get the chance to score at Two Keys. It should be fun.

"Wait, are you writing this down? I thought we were just talking…"

The University of Kentucky, which is considered the "cinnamon babka" of the Bluegrass, is experiencing its first real taste of success in hundreds and hundreds of years (I was too lazy to do any research; I heard this from a UofL fan I know). It seems that even when the Cats have a great team in Lexington, the red-clad neighbors to the west always have a superior team to piss on the parade. Not this year; after a shocking win over #1 LSU, Cat fans were able to piss on their own parade.

"I was so excited man, I just couldn't hold it in," local celebrity and country music sensation Eddie Montgomery said, reeking of urine. "Let's be honest a second, this just doesn't happen in 'My Town.' The Cats just had too much 'Speed.'"

Montgomery couldn't help but chuckle at his clever word-play, but he stressed that the Gators were going to be quite the test for Woodson and the Wildcats.

"I mean 'Some People Change.' Woodson was a 'Lucky Man' against LSU, but it 'Takes All Kinds.' I think, for Florida this time, 'The Tears are Coming.'"

No matter how you shake it, this will be a big day for the University's football program. However, numerous rumblings lead me to believe that the crowd will break into ferocious chants of 'Walsh is gay,' an allusion to ex-Florida basketballer and rampant heterosexual Matt Walsh.

"Can we please not do that this time," said Bobby Norris, a concerned student and leader of the progressive movement at UK. "It really doesn't make sense. I mean, he's not gay. He dated a Playmate. He was just a douche; but don't chant that either, because he played basketball and we are playing their football team."

Since sign-making has become extremely possible at the set of the show on Saturday mornings, many students have resorted to skipping class and huffing paint this week, in hopes that they will come up with the perfect and most clever sign.

"I mean, I have never smoked so much pot in my life," 'Chief' Taylor commented. "All we've come up with is this left-handed drawing of Tebow, a beautiful sketch of the clouds from yesterday, a picture of SpongeBob I drew with my eyes closed, and a portrait of Urban Meyer when he coached Utah. How does that all relate? We were going to write 'Te-blow blows,' but my brother told me that was redundant and that I should get a job."

I can assure all fans that "Chief" has been working diligently, and that by Saturday a coherent thought will surely rush through his clouded dome. Beyond that, all we can hope is that can't-miss prognosticator Lee Corso ends up with the head of 'Scratch the Cat,' as that would ensure that a UK win was in our grasps—and that 'Scratch' would finally be dead.

The writer can be reached at don@thespottedbass.com.



Home > Don's Dynamic Diary Don's Dynamic Diary Dear Diary: Hide your daughters Cats fans, Herbstreit is coming to town. Each week ESPN's College GameDay visits a campus to preview the day's biggest game, as well as giving analyst Kirk Herbstreit a chance to try and bed some coeds. "I've never had the opportunity to come to Lexington and I'm very excited," a giddy Herbstreit said from his home on the fifty yard line of Ohio Stadium in Columbus Tuesday night. "I've really heard great things about this campus' ladies. They've sucked in football for so long I figured I'd never get the chance to score at Two Keys. It should be fun. "Wait, are you writing this down? I thought we were just talking…" The University of Kentucky, which is considered the "cinnamon babka" of the Bluegrass, is experiencing its first real taste of success in hundreds and hundreds of years (I was too lazy to do any research; I heard this from a UofL fan I know). It seems that even when the Cats have a great team in Lexington, the red-clad neighbors to the west always have a superior team to piss on the parade. Not this year; after a shocking win over #1 LSU, Cat fans were able to piss on their own parade. "I was so excited man, I just couldn't hold it in," local celebrity and country music sensation Eddie Montgomery said, reeking of urine. "Let's be honest a second, this just doesn't happen in 'My Town.' The Cats just had too much 'Speed.'" Montgomery couldn't help but chuckle at his clever word-play, but he stressed that the Gators were going to be quite the test for Woodson and the Wildcats. "I mean 'Some People Change.' Woodson was a 'Lucky Man' against LSU, but it 'Takes All Kinds.' I think, for Florida this time, 'The Tears are Coming.'" No matter how you shake it, this will be a big day for the University's football program. However, numerous rumblings lead me to believe that the crowd will break into ferocious chants of 'Walsh is gay,' an allusion to ex-Florida basketballer and rampant heterosexual Matt Walsh. "Can we please not do that this time," said Bobby Norris, a concerned student and leader of the progressive movement at UK. "It really doesn't make sense. I mean, he's not gay. He dated a Playmate. He was just a douche; but don't chant that either, because he played basketball and we are playing their football team." Since sign-making has become extremely possible at the set of the show on Saturday mornings, many students have resorted to skipping class and huffing paint this week, in hopes that they will come up with the perfect and most clever sign. "I mean, I have never smoked so much pot in my life," 'Chief' Taylor commented. "All we've come up with is this left-handed drawing of Tebow, a beautiful sketch of the clouds from yesterday, a picture of SpongeBob I drew with my eyes closed, and a portrait of Urban Meyer when he coached Utah. How does that all relate? We were going to write 'Te-blow blows,' but my brother told me that was redundant and that I should get a job." I can assure all fans that "Chief" has been working diligently, and that by Saturday a coherent thought will surely rush through his clouded dome. Beyond that, all we can hope is that can't-miss prognosticator Lee Corso ends up with the head of 'Scratch the Cat,' as that would ensure that a UK win was in our grasps—and that 'Scratch' would finally be dead. The writer can be reached at don@thespottedbass.com. Don's archive Religion, a geriatric, and a struggling football team Steve Spurrier is a true game cock What is a classy fan? The always intriguing NBA Draft left Kentuckiana's finest wondering "what if"

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