Bass Reader Exclusive!
UofL drops students, cites rising costs

University of Louisville President James Ramsey announced today that the school will drop students in an effort to curtail expenses beginning in January 2008.  

"We avoided this eventuality as long as we could, but our students, even out of state students, simply aren't a profit center for us," said Ramsey, still refusing to give up his longstanding combover. "We'll continue to focus on our profitable divisions - medical research and men's basketball." 
 
The university's board of trustees feared this outcome but had hoped it could be avoided.  Board chairman Sarah Van Den Hoffer explained, "Constantly having to house and feed over 20,000 students in addition to finding teaching assistants with limited English ability was a constant chore.  Tuition and parking ticket revenue never covered the full cost of developing affluent and generous alumni.  A cost/benefit analysis showed that, ultimately, keeping the students wasn't a smart business decision for us." 
 
Current students are being given the option of transferring to the University of Phoenix Online to earn a state of the industry degree or securing a major federal grant for cancer research.  Male students have the additional option of growing to 7 feet tall and trying out for the basketball team.   
 
In related news, University of Louisville stock (uofl, NASDAQ) was up 2 ½ points in heavy trading.

Thanks Bob! The Spotted Bass will entertain story pitches here.