Stanford mathletes finally prove 'trojan theorem'

This mathlete has been told he resembles someone named Pete Sampras.

After the surprising upset of Southern California, nine "mathletes" at Stanford University proved that it was possible for an incompetent football team coached by a psychotic ex-quarterback dud to defeat a national championship contender.

"We knew from studying the numbers that mathematically there was a chance," math team standout Michael Woo said. "I don't want to say that it was one in a million, but look at their athletes.  It still feels weird saying that word."

When asked if there was any concern about the name of the theorem and the possibility of it being mixed up with the condom brand, Woo simply responded "huh?"

"Look, we're not here to sell real estate.  We just want to show people that, mathematically, anything is possible.   There are still several other things we wish to prove by year's end, but who knows what will happen."

The team will now set their sights on the "Lopez ratio," a theorem involving Stanford's basketball twin tandem, Brook and Robin Lopez.  They are mainly trying to figure out how much testosterone is shared between these two "men."  They are set to prove that the amount is less than one complete man, thus they plan on petitioning the NCAA to allow the brothers to serve as only one player when on the floor simultaneously.

When told that Brook Lopez was academically ineligible for the Fall Semester, Woo seemed unworried.

"Trust me," he chirped.  "Those two aren't going anywhere."