Throw up another ‘L’: Cards’ struggles blamed on secondary, Yom Kippur
The "Phantom" defense as drawn up by Kragthorpe.
It was supposed to be a “day of atonement” for Steve Kragthorpe and his Louisville Cardinals. Instead, Saturday's game against Syracuse ended up being yet another disgraceful performance from Louisville’s newly implemented “Phantom” defense. Derived from Chris Palmer’s vaunted “U.F.O” defense of the late 1990’s by the Cleveland Browns, the “Phantom” defense allows secondary players to leave various parts of the field wide open, in hopes that opposing teams will become anxious in their attempts to exploit the holes.
“Schematically, we opened the game exactly how we wanted to,” Kragthorpe said. “Both safeties immediately flanked to the sidelines to prevent anymore deep plays on our corners. It was poetry in motion that literally brought tears to my eyes. We left the middle open and their quarterback made a great play. It was unexpected. I mean, they don’t have McNabb anymore.”
“We worked on it all week,” Defensive Coordinator Mike Cassity said. “I’ve never seen a defense so out of position. It was perfect.”
“Obviously we’re a long way off,” a dejected Kragthorpe said. “The point of the defense is to confuse the offense. If we don’t know where we are going to be, how can they? That’s our mantra. I think we’ll start to figure it out. Better yet, maybe we won’t. Or…wait….”
Confusion has been the buzz word on campus all weekend, especially after UofL and ESPN inexplicably scheduled the game during the holiest of Jewish holidays, Yom Kippur.
“I don’t have any idea what happened there,” long-time Cardinal supporter Herschel Steinberg said. “I mean, the chutzpah!”
Athletic Director Tom Jurich is quick to place the blame on ESPN, saying that he understands the Jewish faithful’s allegiance to the Cards.
“Think about it,” Jurich said. “Whenever people are throwing around callous stereotypes about Jews, what’s included? Big nose, dark hair, tight with their money, and humongous Louisville football fans; at least that’s what I’ve always pictured.”
The anger was rampant after the Louisville Courier-Journal published an article last week alerting fans and players of the overlap.
“I knew we were in trouble,” Quarterback Brian Brohm said. “Ever since I was a little kid, there has been wealth of Jewish fans in the stadium. This week, there was nothing. We didn’t have an edge and that really hurt us.”
Brohm sorrowfully expressed more regret for the scheduling mishap.
“We are really going to miss those guys. I hope they end up finding a savior or whatever.”
So much for support: these Jewish fans had better things to do on Saturday.
The fans were extremely upset and grief-stricken.
“I really can’t believe this,” a stunned Steinberg lamented. “After all that has happened to my people, for the one thing that we truly hold dearest to be ripped away from us, truly tragic.
“They’re (ESPN) just lucky Jesus isn’t back yet. He would not have dealt with this well. He’s the biggest ‘Ville fan of all. If you look at any picture of Him, and there are clear variations, one thing is constant. He always has a perfect and beautifully manicured line-beard. That’s all you need to know.”
Our Lord and Savior was unavailable for comment.