The Spotted Bass -

Words by Woody
By Woody Daniels

With weightism rampant in America, Notre Dame can no longer dodge the discrimination question

Notre Dame knows the question is coming.

It's been brewing since they traded the skinny guy, Ty Willingham, for the slob, Charlie Weis, three years ago. Now that Weis is 1-9 in '07 following back-to-back losses to Navy (yes…Navy) and Air Force (yes…Air Force), it's hotter than Dan and Roseanne Conner making love in a sleeping bag.

Unfortunately, Notre Dame, you no longer have a place to hide. (Charles Weis, there's never been a place for you to hide). It's time you answer the tough question: How could you weightily discriminate against Willingham? How could you give the nice guy with the slim waistline the ultimatum to go husky or go Huskie? Three and out is what you gave Willingham. How much time are you going to give Weis, whose team this year is no stranger to the three-and-out?

America gone large
It's time to wake up America (but not get up). "Thin is in" is now out. If you want to make it in this country, you better strap on the fat suit and throw out those 35 Nutri-System meals you haven't quite made time for in your freezer. Heck, no one even likes Al Roker anymore now that he looks like a black Carson Daly. A surgically fit Star Jones? Give me the busty Queen Latifah. Whether it's sports, entertainment, or politics, pounds rule.

Look at Phil Mickelson after his Masters victory "leap" in 2004. Hefty Lefty's popularity soared when he finally proved to fans that his vertical jump likely wouldn't surpass the diameter of Tiger Woods' forearm. There's good reason Callaway recently introduced the Phildough Built-in Bra Golf Shirt, guaranteed to give you support until the 18th tee.

Look at Dick Cheney after his recent heart troubles. The president scowled at the notion of going skinny, and you can bet the guy with the Halliburton Hummer won't be taking his bike to work anytime soon. I'd be shocked if he doesn't have a Segway to get around the White House.

Look at Al Gore after he lost (or won) the run for presidency in 2000. It's no accident Gore then packed on the pounds before becoming America's foremost turn-off-the-lights spokesman. If I were Gore's agent, I'd convince the Nobel nachos lover to endorse The Clapper. There's nothing better than going green while not having to get off the couch.

Notre Dame – a bunch of weightists
It's sad what Willingham had to endure simply because of a low-numbered waistline. But that's what America has come to these days. In fact, it's safe to say there hasn't been this much of a PR nightmare for the less-fed since a well-built Tom Cruise used Oprah's couch as a hurdle. The hefty talk-show host almost killed the famous scientologist's career faster than Brooke Shields could pop a bottle of Zoloft. It's not surprising Oprah herself put the weight back on after her slimmed-down version suffered a ratings meltdown.

When Notre Dame hired Weis in 2004, athletic director Kevin White said they were starving for someone to "lead their football team on Saturdays." Instead they've found a guy who's starving for a victory until he gets to the discount buffet on Sundays. For the love of Gerry Faust, I'm starving for some kind of justification as to why Weis needs more time.

Don't give me this "he's playing with Willingham's recruits" stuff. Willingham played with Willingham's recruits (and - gasp! - Bob Davie's recruits), and he did a much better job than this. If Weis does get more time it'll come down to that one word no one wants to talk about: weightism. Willingham's waist was profiled during his Notre Dame termination more than a black man in a tinted, "phat"-rimmed Escalade on his way to a gun show.

If Notre Dame Stadium were a confessional, the sin would be Weis' offense, his so-called specialty. Irish fans better pray they never see numbers like these again: 56.6 rushing yards per game, 161.4 passing yards per game, and close to last in total offense in the country. And Catholics thought the priest-abuse scandal was bad. Somewhere a skinny Jesus is covering his eyes and preparing to put on a headset.

And no, Grotto nation, Weis isn't the second coming of Mark Mangino. What Kansas lacks in tradition it has in lower admission standards. And the recruiting rankings? Yeah, they're misleading as well. It seems odd that as soon as Weis starts recruiting a player, these rating creeps who somehow get a rise from calling a 16-year-old at home bump his stock by two stars. Sorry, Irish fans, but Weis is losing out on players like Jimmy Clausen is losing hair. And as long as Weis keeps his weight and his job, it's not going to come back anytime soon.

Woody Daniels is a self-proclaimed award-winning writer who enjoys woodworking. He can be reached at woody@thespottedbass.com.



Home > Words by Woody Words by Woody By Woody Daniels With weightism rampant in America, Notre Dame can no longer dodge the discrimination question Notre Dame knows the question is coming. It's been brewing since they traded the skinny guy, Ty Willingham, for the slob, Charlie Weis, three years ago. Now that Weis is 1-9 in '07 following back-to-back losses to Navy (yes…Navy) and Air Force (yes…Air Force), it's hotter than Dan and Roseanne Conner making love in a sleeping bag. Unfortunately, Notre Dame, you no longer have a place to hide. (Charles Weis, there's never been a place for you to hide). It's time you answer the tough question: How could you weightily discriminate against Willingham? How could you give the nice guy with the slim waistline the ultimatum to go husky or go Huskie? Three and out is what you gave Willingham. How much time are you going to give Weis, whose team this year is no stranger to the three-and-out? America gone large It's time to wake up America (but not get up). "Thin is in" is now out. If you want to make it in this country, you better strap on the fat suit and throw out those 35 Nutri-System meals you haven't quite made time for in your freezer. Heck, no one even likes Al Roker anymore now that he looks like a black Carson Daly. A surgically fit Star Jones? Give me the busty Queen Latifah. Whether it's sports, entertainment, or politics, pounds rule. Look at Phil Mickelson after his Masters victory "leap" in 2004. Hefty Lefty's popularity soared when he finally proved to fans that his vertical jump likely wouldn't surpass the diameter of Tiger Woods' forearm. There's good reason Callaway recently introduced the Phildough Built-in Bra Golf Shirt, guaranteed to give you support until the 18th tee. Look at Dick Cheney after his recent heart troubles. The president scowled at the notion of going skinny, and you can bet the guy with the Halliburton Hummer won't be taking his bike to work anytime soon. I'd be shocked if he doesn't have a Segway to get around the White House. Look at Al Gore after he lost (or won) the run for presidency in 2000. It's no accident Gore then packed on the pounds before becoming America's foremost turn-off-the-lights spokesman. If I were Gore's agent, I'd convince the Nobel nachos lover to endorse The Clapper. There's nothing better than going green while not having to get off the couch. Notre Dame – a bunch of weightists It's sad what Willingham had to endure simply because of a low-numbered waistline. But that's what America has come to these days. In fact, it's safe to say there hasn't been this much of a PR nightmare for the less-fed since a well-built Tom Cruise used Oprah's couch as a hurdle. The hefty talk-show host almost killed the famous scientologist's career faster than Brooke Shields could pop a bottle of Zoloft. It's not surprising Oprah herself put the weight back on after her slimmed-down version suffered a ratings meltdown. When Notre Dame hired Weis in 2004, athletic director Kevin White said they were starving for someone to "lead their football team on Saturdays." Instead they've found a guy who's starving for a victory until he gets to the discount buffet on Sundays. For the love of Gerry Faust, I'm starving for some kind of justification as to why Weis needs more time. Don't give me this "he's playing with Willingham's recruits" stuff. Willingham played with Willingham's recruits (and - gasp! - Bob Davie's recruits), and he did a much better job than this. If Weis does get more time it'll come down to that one word no one wants to talk about: weightism. Willingham's waist was profiled during his Notre Dame termination more than a black man in a tinted, "phat"-rimmed Escalade on his way to a gun show. If Notre Dame Stadium were a confessional, the sin would be Weis' offense, his so-called specialty. Irish fans better pray they never see numbers like these again: 56.6 rushing yards per game, 161.4 passing yards per game, and close to last in total offense in the country. And Catholics thought the priest-abuse scandal was bad. Somewhere a skinny Jesus is covering his eyes and preparing to put on a headset. And no, Grotto nation, Weis isn't the second coming of Mark Mangino. What Kansas lacks in tradition it has in lower admission standards. And the recruiting rankings? Yeah, they're misleading as well. It seems odd that as soon as Weis starts recruiting a player, these rating creeps who somehow get a rise from calling a 16-year-old at home bump his stock by two stars. Sorry, Irish fans, but Weis is losing out on players like Jimmy Clausen is losing hair. And as long as Weis keeps his weight and his job, it's not going to come back anytime soon. Woody Daniels is a self-proclaimed award-winning writer who enjoys woodworking. He can be reached at woody@thespottedbass.com. Woody's archive If our troops can't stay the course at a UofL game, how can we expect them to do the same in Iraq? Kentucky's youth are still recovering from Breno Giacomini's ugly gesture Unlike predecessors, Barnhart hopes Brooks and Gillispie won’t use UK as steppingstone

Words by Woody By Woody Daniels

With weightism rampant in America, Notre Dame can no longer dodge the discrimination question

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Words by Woody
By Woody Daniels